Sometimes things happen and you want to spend lots of time trying to figure out why. My first reaction is to look outside and see what caused it. My second reaction is to look inside and find fault with something I have done. And my third reaction is to throw it out to the universe and say 'what will be will be'.
As I reflect on this today after being told that I am not meeting expectations at work, I realize that this is an opportunity to put my Buddhist practice into work. I need to change my reactions and responses.
First of all, I realize this is my Karma. I keep recreating the same situation over and over again in my career. I get a boss I don't match with, I end up self destructing and then I run away. While I have known that for sometime, I still need to ask what have I changed inside myself to stop this pattern. For one, I am no longer quitting a job without a job. I am chanting to change my attitude, my actions and have acceptance of my current leader. I am trying to look at what causes I create when I interact with her and change those into positive ones. I have stopped complaining about her to every one I know and I am trying to honor the Buddhahood within her. So......that hasn't exactly been successful, but I cannot stop trying. I think of Nicherin Daishonin's comparison to being on a journey and you get so tired you stop one mile before the ultimate destination and you miss what you set out to see. I need to continue to change by karma by seeing the Buddha nature of my current and future leaders.
Secondly, I realize that we are connected to all things in the universe and that what we put out there as a cause will happen and how it happens may not be exactly as we imagined. I have been saying for some time now that I have reached my time. I no longer want to work, I no longer want to put forth my best, I just want to get by. I also have been chanting and focusing on a way to be able to support and take care of my 91 year old mother, knowing that my sister who does quite a bit of care will be out of the picture for the next 3 months due to her having surgery. So, I can't quit my job as part of my human revolution and yet I have a sense of obligation and desire to be a kind and loving daughter so am not sure what to do. It is possible that this performance issue will end up in a way that determines my next course of action?
Finally, I do not need to sit and be the victim and assume that I have no influence in the outcome. I may not have the answers, but I can take action to be sure that I will be in the place that I need to be when it is complete. I will try and change my performance and meet my leaders expectations. At the same time I will look for another opportunity that will allow me to be closer to Mom and take care of her. And while doing both of those things, I need to continue to chant and take responsibility for creating a life of absolute happiness. It is not just 'tossing out the idea', it is looking within to see what that really looks like and then taking the steps to get there............
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