Writing my Story

Once upon a time there was a professional woman who thought that she had to do it all.  She needed to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect employee, the perfect colleague and the perfect company representative.  She got so busy being perfect for everyone and everything else that she forgot that there was another person who mattered in the mix. 

This story goes on for quite some time.  This woman would hurry home from work to make supper, do the dishes, put in a load of laundry, put the kids to bed and then fall asleep on the couch and her husband would throw a blanket on her and go off to bed.  This woman would offer to teach orientation, volunteer to speak at a local trade show, do her day job and then and get excited when asked to take on supporting the international group which required travel. 

Isn’t that the way the story is supposed to go?  You keep doing what you think you have to do and what would make you perfect in someone else’s eyes and then wonder what went wrong when the husband no longer covers you, the kids are off doing other things when you get home and work is saying you are not focused and lack direction. 

Lack direction?  You are so busy trying to follow everyone else’s direction that you haven’t got a clue what direction you are really heading.

I am the story…….and while I feel like I am finally creating a happy ending; I did not think it was possible 15 years ago.  My dream of being the perfect everything and failing at it almost did me in.  I wanted to run away to a deserted island and live in a hut with some books and escape from everything.  I wanted to drive my car into a cement wall and become someone who needed care from others.  I wanted to turn back the clock and finish high school, go far away to college, join the Peace Corps and put pressures of mom and sisters lives behind me.           

An end………the story could have an end.  But that is not the way life works and for that I am thankful.  Instead of escaping I started the process of finding out what perfect means to me.  And it was not easy nor am I at the end of the journey. 

For the past 15 years I have probably bought every self-help book published.  I have visited so many churches and temples, monuments and vortexes, healers and psychics that I could give advice to anyone that is searching.  "I did this and you could / should try this too". 

While I enjoyed every moment of the experience and think that the process has been invaluable, I cannot explain or perfect the time I was introduced to Nicherin Buddhism and how it has impacted my life.    Everything I explored, searched for, evaluated for meaning, and tried on for fit came together the minute I entered the Chicago SGI Cultural Center.   

I am finally looking at Regina and deciding what is important to me.  Perfection is no longer at the top of the list.  Recognizing my connection to the larger world has taken a priority.  I am connected to the larger universe and I make a difference.  Imperfections and all……….I matter and I am making a difference one child, one co-worker, one boss, one me at a time.